More strategies for parents
Books
Children often can deal with feelings by relating to characters in a story. If a child
reads about characters in a book experiencing the same feelings, then the child will not
feel so alone. Stories, whether told aloud or read from a book, can serve as a
non-threatening buffer to stress. This strategy works for both older and younger children.
By taking time to read or tell stories together, you can help your child feel safe and
close. After completing a story, find ways to open conversation. Allow the child to
process the content, then share thoughts.
At first, children will talk about the character, not themselves. At some point,
though, the emphasis generally shifts from the book to the shared experience.
Children often naturally make the leap from the story to their lives. If this does not
happen, open-ended questions (How did Max feel? Why?) can be used to see if the child is
ready to talk.
On a trip to the library, ask for assistance in selecting books to match the emotion,
not just the event (loss, death, moving, survival, fear, anxiety).
Good examples for school-age children include Little House on the Prairie (about
adversity, loss, staying together as a family).
Feelings can also be shared by looking at family photographs and family videotapes.
Play
Particularly for young children, play is the primary means of expressing feelings.
Sometimes, parents can tell how children are feeling by watching their play or playing
with them.
Take care not to impose your opinions on the child's feelings during play. Join in play
only if asked. If your child feels you are directing instead of just playing, he or she
will feel uncomfortable.
Some play items that help elicit feelings include sand, water, board games, poster
paints, finger paints, chalk and chalkboard, playdough and puppets.
Talking
Sometimes in talking with children about sensitive issues, picking the right words is
difficult for parents.
Here are some conversation starters to help you describe what is happening in the
family:
- A separation is when parents decide to live apart from each other and figure out what to
do about their marriage.
- A separation is a hard thing to talk about. It's not always easy telling people that
your mom and dad are not living together anymore.
- We are not alone. We have other friends and family too.
- Sometimes kids feel caught in the middle during a separation.
- Usually kids want their parents to stay together. But sometimes things feel so bad that
a child wishes his/her parents would separate.
- Sometimes things are better for a family when parents decide to separate.
- My leaving is not connected to loving you. It is because your mother/father and I do not
get along. I love you as much as ever, and I always will.
- A divorce is when two people decide they no longer want to be married. They can't live
together happily anymore. They decide to stop being husband and wife. They just have
different ideas about things. We will always be parents to our children.
- One thing never changes. Your mom will always be your mother, and your dad will always
be your father. You still have a family when your parents get divorced.
- Kids cannot cause a divorce. They also cannot keep a Mom and Dad together.
- Being parents and being a husband and wife are two different (and separate) jobs.
Divorce, like marriage, is between adults only.
- When two adults decide to divorce, at least one of them has to go to a courtroom and
talk to a judge. The judge helps figure out the rules for the divorce. A lawyer works with
the parents and the judge to write up a paper about visiting, living with and caring for
children. It says that the adults will no longer be married, but that they will always be
parents.
How long should the adjustment take?
In this fast-paced world, we often get frustrated when we have to wait for things to
happen. But going through a transition such as divorce takes time.
Studies show that divorce is indeed a source of stress for children, and it can result
in a decline of well-being. On the other hand, some children will breeze through with few
negative affects, while others will actually show improvement following divorce.
There are mixed and inconsistent results comparing children's adjustment by age, but
most counselors indicate that children who cope best with divorce are those who continue
to have a stable, loving relationship with both parents and regular, dependable visits
from the non-residential parent.
Places to look for help
Single parents
Parents Without Partners (PWP), 401 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL 60611, (312)
644-6610. Provides free referrals to local PWP chapters, which offer social and
educational opportunities for single parents. Membership fees vary.
Single Parent Resource Center, 141 West 28th Street, New York, NY 10001, (212)
947-0221. Offers free referrals for childcare and legal services, as well as
information about how to start a single-parent support group.
National Organization of Single Mothers, P.O. Box 68, Midland, NC 28107 (704)
888-5437. Provides free advice on how to start support groups and offers referrals to
other single parents nationwide. Publishes Single Mother magazine (bi-monthly). One-year
membership: $12.80.
National Congress for Men and Children (NCMC), P.O. Box 171675, Kansas City, KS
66117, 1-800-733-3237. Instructs single fathers on custody, child-support and
paternity issues. Publishes a 132-page manual and a quarterly newsletter called Network.
Also has a list of NCMC advisers nationwide. One-year membership: $50.
National Fatherhood Initiative, 680 Eden Road, Building E, Lancaster, PA 17601,
1-800-790-3237. Offers a quarterly newsletter and a catalog of books and videos
focusing on fatherhood issues. One-year membership: $35.
Stepparents
The Stepfamily Foundation, 333 West End Avenue, New York, NY 10023, (212) 877-3244. Offers workshops on stepfamily dynamics, holds individual and family counseling sessions
over the telephone and in person, and publishes lists of books, audiotapes and videotapes
for stepfamilies. One-year membership: $70. (Counseling costs are extra.)
Stepfamilies Stepping Ahead. Provides referrals to more than 60 local chapters
nationwide. Offers a variety of hard-to-find books, tapes, manuals and other materials
about stepfamilies. One-year membership, including magazine subscription and book: $35.
Children's books on divorce
For preschoolers and early elementary
All About Divorce, by Mary Blitzer Field, The Center for Applied Psychology,
Inc.
Always, Always, by Crescent Dragonwagaon, MacMillan.
Annie Stories: A special kind of storytelling, by Judith S. Wallerstein &
Doris Brett.
Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide To Changing Families, by Laurene and Marc Brown,
Little Brown.
Free to Be... A Family: A Book About All Kinds Of Belongings, by Marlo Thomas,
Bantam Books.
Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by Peter Mayle, Crown Publishing.
Daddy doesn't live here anymore, by R. Turow.
Months of Sundays, by R. Blue, New York, Franklin Watts, Inc.
For adolescents and early teens
Angel Face, by Norma Klein, Viking. For ages 12 and up. Presented from a boy's
point of view.
The Divorce Express, by Paula Danziger, Delacorte. For ages 12 and up. Presented
from a girl's point of view.
Free to Be.. A Family: A Book About All Kinds Of Belongings, by Marlo Thomas,
Bantam Books.
How It Feels When Parents Divorce, by Jill Krementz, Knopf.
It's Not The End Of The World, by Judy Blume, MacMillan.
Talking About Divorce: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child, by Earl Grollman,
Beacon.
What's Going To Happen To Me? When Parents Separate or Divorce, by Eda LeShan,
Four Winds.
Divorce, by A. Gruasell.
When Mom and Dad Divorce, by S. Nickman.
How to get it together when your parents are coming apart, by A.K. Richards, and
I. Willis.
References
Behrman, R.E. and Quinn, L. (1994). Children and Divorce: Overview and analysis. In
Children and Divorce, 4 (1). Packard Foundation.
Amato, P. (1994). Life-span adjustment of children to their parents' divorce. In
Children and Divorce, 4 (1). Packard Foundation.
Blakeslee Ives, S.; Fassler, D.; and Lash, M. (1994). The Divorce Workbook, Waterfront
Books: Burlington, VT.
Mulroy, M.; Malley, C.Z.; Sabatelli, R.M.; and Waldron, R. (1995). Parenting Apart:
Strategies for effective co-parenting. University of Connecticut Cooperative Extension
System: Storrs, Conn.
Special thanks to the following reviewers: Suzanne Dell St. Clair, Susan Pickle,
Susan Mitchell, Diana Bonner-Milne and Mark Fine.
This
guide is also available in Portable Document Format. Click the PDF button to the left to
get it.
To order request GH6600,
Focus on Kids: The Effects of Divorce on Children (75 cents).
Copyright1998 University
of Missouri. Published by University Extension,
University of Missouri-Columbia.
Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension Work Acts of May 8 and
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